Lizardgate 2010

I was walking into the laundry room to take clothes out of the dryer when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye.

A LIZARD.

So, like any reasonable person, I screamed like I was on fire and ran into the safety of the living room. 5 minutes later, once I'd calmed down slightly I began to google "ways to get rid of a lizard." The first suggestion was to have a cat take care of it.

Aha! I have one of those! So I carried her into the laundry room and gently tossed her in. Unfortunately, the lizard had already disapeared.

Resume freaking out.

5 minutes later, after making 3 frantic phone calls to my mother with no answer and just barely resisting calling 9-1-1, I decided to try again. When I headed back to the laundry room, there it was! Sitting smugly on the carpet IN THE DEN. I screamed and threw the cat (again, gently) in it's direction.

Success! The lizard ran and the cat ran after it. A cat-and-lizard chase commenced wherein she would catch it, stare at it for a few seconds, let it go, chase it, catch it...you get the idea. The entire time I'm screaming "JUST KILL IT, IT IS NOT A TOY, KILL IT KILL IT PLEASE KILL IT." It was a trying time for both of us.

Eventually she caught it and picked it up in her mouth, then dropped it. I thought she'd finally go in for the kill. But, she clearly didn't know what to do with this new toy. At one point it looked like she was even befriending it. I could swear they kissed.

Then the lizard ran, and she chased it into the laundry room. A struggle commenced. I was too terrified to investigate from my perch in the kitchen. What seemed like hours later, the cat strutted back into the den, lizard in mouth. She dropped it and it didn't move. It was on it's back. It could be dead...

...

...

The cat and I waited with bated breath. Suddenly, the lizard FLEW (okay maybe jumped) out of the den. I screamed much louder than is normal for said scenario. The police have likely ben called. The cat gave chase.

And then.

Nothing.

She came back out of the den, sans lizard, and looked at me like "oh hey, what's up?"

"WHAT'S UP? WHERE IS THE LIZARD, CAT????" I may have said.

Gone.

GONE??

The (previously sweet, adorable) cat even had the NERVE to start casually looking around the house for it as if to say, "yeah, it could be anywhere dude."

"You go find that lizard, Cat!!!! RIGHT NOW!! And don't call me dude." I may or may not have said.

The cat scoffed at me and retreated to the family room to stare out the window (plot her escape).

And where was Brutus while all of this went on? Staring at me and shaking in a corner*. Sigh, worthless.

So now there is a lizard somewhere in my home, likely in the laundry room vicinity, laughing at me, my failure cat and scaredy-dog.

I am and will remain seated on the kitchen counter until Chris arrives home.

Lizard: 10

My sanity: -2

*granted, most mammals would have reacted similarly to my hysterics